Why we stay small

This first appeared in my bi-weekly letter We Need To Talk About This.

I learned about something today that stopped me in my tracks.

I asked my friend, the brilliant Life and Leadership coach Gloria Eid if it’s true that we always spiral hardest right before a breakthrough.

Gloria casually said, “Oh, that’s the upper limit problem”.

When she explained what she meant, it felt like my brain lit up.

The upper limit problem was coined by the psychologist and author Dr. Gay Hendricks. As humans, we have an unconscious cap on how much success, wealth, love, and good shit we think we’re worthy of (usually set when we are children).

When we start to approach that ceiling, our safety instincts start to panic. To our old fight or flight brains, new success means risk and a loss of control. It’s trying to keep you safe, in the most primal way, so it straight up NOPES the positive change you’re trying to make.

Sometimes that manifests as an unending stream of negative bullshit thoughts:

Maybe this job is all you deserve.

You’re not qualified for that, don’t even apply.

You know they’ll laugh at you if you put up that video, right?

Are you really ready to write a book? Who do you think you are?

The thoughts aren’t you — they’re the most primal part of your brain trying to control the settings, to keep you safe.

To keep you small.

Your limit can also prevent new opportunities from coming to fruition. For example, say you get an email from a potential big client or a great interview for a dream job.

Your brain panics about the risk. It says you’re flying a little too close to the sun honey, time to come back down.

So you start to unconsciously self-sabotage. You wait to email the potential client back until it’s too late, or you don’t prepare and ramble in the interview.

You stay small.

Are you having the same realization I did?

Maybe it’s not that you’re holding yourself back for no reason. There is a reason, and once you uncover it you can change it.

The first step to transcending our limits is realizing that they’re there at all.

The next time you’re about to break a pattern or make a positive change in your life, and you feel your mind putting on the brakes — look for the source of the resistance. Acknowledge it. Monitor how it speaks to you. Thank it for trying to keep you safe, and then decide to move past the limit it’s trying to set for you.

I’ll be over here trying too. We can inch past our limits together.

Thank you for this aha moment and for spending the time to take me through it, Gloria.

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